How to fake enthusiasm for the job you hate

Don’t appear over enthusiastic to be at work. I’ve never had this problem. I like to give off an air of indifference and contempt for my job and company. This makes my vaguely successful results all the more impressive. “Just imagine how much I could achieve if you motivated me” is the gauntlet I’m laying down to my Manager. In truth he’d find it easier to motivate Hugh Heffner to join a monastery. 

On my way back from my fraudulent toilet breaks I ascend the stairs as slowly as possible. As I reach the office door I burst through, stride to my desk and start typing furiously. Sometimes I jam the door first and shoulder barge it open desperately. I pretend I’m angry my weak bladder distracted me from my workload. It was actually my weak work ethic.

In day long team meetings I ask a question every 30 minutes to hide that I’m musing on whether my Manager looks more like a Warthog or a Walrus. I’m leaning towards Walrus but his apple guzzling is very Warthog-esque. Ask a closed question to avoid a long answer. A personal favourite is, “what’s the lead time on that?” It stresses an urgent dedication to my customers, which I simply don’t have.

Perform 3 duties a week which are outside your job description. CC Managers into emails drawing attention to this. Stress how you value sharing information between departments. Share misinformation instead as you don’t want other departments outshining you. Bring them down to your level and then throw in a genuine lead and proclaim yourself the saviour of the company.

I often don’t have the energy to respond to customers on the phone. I simply stop speaking and wait for them to hang up. Within earshot of Management I then loudly ask other departments about their targets and if I can do anything to help. I then do absolutely nothing to help.

How to antagonise the entire company

One of our rivals recently went out of business and hundreds of people lost their jobs. My Managers were delighted… I decided to punish them for their lack of empathy.

I extended this punishment to the entire company as I dislike most of them. Before every Manager’s meeting I pocket every tea spoon from the kitchen. I lurk there and smirk misanthropically as these obese Managers search every drawer and cupboard. “No tea-spoons!” They shout, before trying to measure their sugar with dessert spoons and using the handle to stir. I make a note to steal the dessert spoons also tomorrow.

I also steal every pen in the building. This is harder but more rewarding. I memorise everyone’s lunch, break and smoking schedule and sneak in and get their pens. When questioned on why I kept leaving my desk I shouted “Irritable bowel syndrome!” I wasn’t asked again. I whip my lousy colleagues into a furore by suggesting we have a biro thief at large. Minutes earlier I had, of course, left a trail of pens leading to one of the Manager’s offices.

Before lunch I replace the tea spoons and pocket the knives and forks. Why not slip one piece of cutlery into everyone’s pocket? Make them think they’re stealing the cutlery themselves without realising.

Come in early and sign in. Then go back out and block the entrance for your colleagues. Fiddle with the lock for several minutes as if it’s broken. Wait until everyone’s late and then allow them in. Why not bring up your colleagues punctuality issues at the annual meeting?

End the day by replacing the coffee powder with gravy granules.

How to defeat the office seating plan

After several days of three of us singing to customers down the phone the moderator picked up on this. A seating plan was introduced and I was moved to the other side of the room.

I set about overcoming this seating plan by still conversing with my wayward colleagues but now bellowing across the office. This made my discussions on the poor wage, immoral and incompetent Management even more inappropriate.

I was moved next to my Manager and any illusions of my competence were quickly shattered. He now realised that most of my sales leads came from flirting with old ladies. “You don’t sound old enough to me a Grandma Margaret!” Or by tricking people by talking so quickly they didn’t understand. He also realised my startling lack of knowledge and that I frequently guessed the answer to customer’s questions.

I was forbidden from sitting near friends due to “noise levels” and kept away from new starters as I influenced them against the company. The sheer amount of new starters meant there were increasingly few places where I could sit.

I’d leave my desk to talk with my friend for as long as possible before being forcibly returned to my seat. Our profanity laden chats included derogatory jingles about the client and Managers. I did a drum roll on the head of an irate colleague who was arguing with a customer. He muted his phone, screamed “FUCK OFF”, but in his anger didn’t manage to mute his phone. This reduced me into such a state of frenzied giggles that I farted in the face of the Supervisor behind me. I had to be helped up from the floor in spasms of laughter and led back to my desk.

During a client visit I was allowed a longer lunch break to minimise the damage I could do. I returned early from lunch grinning psychotically at my Manager, whose look of pained anguish was priceless.

How to sabotage a client visit

Before every client visit Management warn me to behave appropriately. I conspire with colleagues to set a piglet loose in the office, but this is London and farmyard animals are hard to find.

Already on a final warning over the impromptu singing to customers, I briefly considered working normally throughout this visit. I quickly discarded this foolish idea. The Manager saw me conspiring and vowed to get the client in and out as quickly as possible. He refused to give an exact time of this visit so we had to carefully plan our disruptions and they had to happen at short notice.

The ageing client was quickly paraded through the office. I stared at her, for once lost for ideas. The client stared past me, mouth open in horror! I turned to see my friend grinning madly at her and banging his keyboard like a monkey. Myself and several others started banging our keyboards in unison. She was led out of the office, utterly dismayed at what she’d witnessed.

The Manager, so desperate to impress her, didn’t notice our chimpanzee routine. The client was so angry that she couldn’t speak, which he took as a good sign. He bid her farewell and then thanked us for not causing a scene.

At the Manager’s annual client presentation he was asked if he recruited directly from a mental asylum. Weeks later he fearfully announced the next client visit. I got on the phone to the nearest pig farms.

How to bump up your holiday allowance

The worse your job the less holiday days you will receive. The legal minimum for full time workers is 28, which after bank holidays is more like 20.

If your pay is accrued by days worked, your holiday allowance should be too. My company are breaking employment law on this one and only give holiday allowance for complete months worked. So everyone who joined part way through a month accrued no holiday days for working that month. I’ve threatened Union action and they’ve reluctantly admitted their “error” and given everyone the correct amount of holiday.

However, as a result of my Manager’s hire ‘em fire ‘em policy we’re so short staffed that I can’t take my extra holiday until he recruits. I’ve threatened to leave to add to the crisis.

When on annual leave, text your Manager to book the next day off too. If he refuses say “Well in that case I’m sick then”. If allowed tell him you’ll book it officially on your system when back in your office. Become so “busy” on your return that you forget. If your Manager asks you to do this, claim the system’s down until he forgets.

Bump up your meagre holiday allowance with some well-timed sick days. Don’t waste your 5 paid sick days on genuine illness as you’ll feel crap at home too. You want to be able to enjoy your sick days. 

Always stay off for an extra day after several days on holiday. Tell your Manager you can’t work effectively when jet lagged. “But you didn’t leave the country”. Respond with, “I can’t discuss this any further as I’ve some minor errands to run.” Hang up, turn your phone off and enjoy your extra day off.

How and why to make your Manager swear at you

Management want me out. They didn’t like me taking them on about holiday allowance, and I’m now on the verge of dismissal. I’m launching a pre-emptive strike to stop this from happening.

As we’re so understaffed I feel I won’t be dismissed until their next recruitment drive. I crank up my reckless rants in team meetings until my Manager eventually snaps and calls me “a wanker”. I pretend to be upset, but inside I’m grinning as I now have my wild card to use against them.

I mention this every so often so my Manager knows I’ll bring it up if I’m dismissed. Now feeling more secure, I pass the time at work with rants, songs, and quips at the company’s expense. My Manager gives me a free reign. He’d struggle to sack me anyway as we’re so short staffed.

I talk the IT guy into giving me access to my Manager’s emails. I read that he is planning another recruitment drive, and is looking for up to 10 people. On the day of the interviews I intercept the interviewees, flash my ID card and tell them to wait in the coffee shop over the road. I chuckle to myself as my Manager paces up and down wondering where the interviewees have gone.

Safeguard your immediate future until you’re ready to leave my provoking your Manager to swear at you. Pass off your needling digs as morale boosting banter. I overheard the Site Manager calling me a “disgrace” but admitting they couldn’t dismiss me yet.

How to antagonize the customer you’ve already antagonized

My job involves bothering people busy at work and trying to sell to them. I get hung up on a lot, and who can blame them? I don’t care about my job and I’m disrupting them from the job they do care about.

I anger over 20 customers a day to prevent my Manager’s anger. Can my Manager’s wrath be over 20 times worse than these irate customers? He would have to be somewhere between The Incredible Hulk and Hitler. He isn’t, but does have the power to render me unemployed, adding another blemish to my chequered CV.

I counter each customer’s abruptness with a polite enthusiasm bordering on the sarcastic, culminating in “bye bye, take care Janice”. My customer is not called Janice. I merely use that name so she thinks I misremembered or guessed her name. Play with the names to cause maximum offence. Call an upper-class gentleman “Bruce”, a woman in early middle-age “Ethel”.

When hung up on immediately call back and cheerfully say “I think we got cut off” before launching back into your spiel which caused them to hang up initially. This will make them so angry you’ll start to laugh, which will only add to their rage. If you have to anger people for a living, at least do a proper job of it. This release will preserve your sanity and may prevent you from impaling your Manager with a biro thrust that could take down a wild boar.  

When a rude customer is about to end the conversation stop them with a Columbo-esque “Oh, one more thing”. They will ask what this is. Go silent. They will angrily repeat this question. Stay silent. This really makes them angry. Just before they hang up jab the # button on your phone and hang up on them. The hash button makes the most piercing sound since Bjork’s last orgasm. Try for yourself, the hash button, not giving Bjork an orgasm. I hear she’s hard to please.

If this call gets monitored diffuse the situation with fake sincerity and admit to making a “hash of the call”. Mocking your Manager like this will add to your wave of euphoria as you return to your desk ready to antagonize another customer.

How to incite a riot in your weekly team meeting

The weekly team meeting is your Manager’s opportunity to motivate and inspire everyone. You must prevent this. This is your brief period off the phones, don’t let it be cut short by a happy work force.

As I work exclusively in monotonous jobs, I need any entertainment I can get. I get people angry. The majority of your colleagues feel the same way you do, lead by example and get them vocal. For every empty positive word your Manager uses counter with two negative ones. I like the ‘dis’ words; dismayed, disgusted, disillusioned, disarray. Compete with your allies to work in irate words starting with the same letter, this will confuse and terrify your Managers.

If your company’s like mine, only the stupid and manipulative will progress. The people with a distinct lack of spark and decency meaning they’ll never leave. You must make things as hard as possible for these drones whilst they try to exploit the intelligent, confident employees that terrify them so much.

Get a hit list of your Manager’s incompetence’s and repeatedly bring them up every meeting. Promised incentives that don’t arrive, progression opportunities that don’t exist etc. Remember your Manager’s excuses and ridicule them at every turn. Our incentive wasn’t delivered for 3 months, their excuses ranged from cash flow issues, HR backlog and finally the finance man.

Generate enough anger from your colleagues that your Manager hides upstairs for the rest of the day, giving you free reign to apply for other jobs and get some cracking adjectives ready for next week.

How to hide that you’re applying for other jobs

Managers frown on you looking for other jobs, although they probably are themselves. Everyone wants a better job and after all you could get sacked tomorrow.

If you’re angling for a pay-rise you should let your Manager know you’re looking for other jobs. Leave your screen on a jobsite as you go to the toilet. Why not ask his tips on how to update your CV? Book off a day’s holiday and then get a friend to email you a supposed job offer. Forward this to your Manager by “mistake”.

This should sufficiently panic Management to stop dragging their feet about your pay-rise. Tell them you’ve been offered a job with a significantly higher salary. Let that hang and then ask, “what can be done to keep me here old sport?” This is a bold move, but if timed when your department is understaffed or if your peers are incompetent it can be very effective.

As he gets this “signed off” by Senior Management why not crank up the pressure further? Tell him the contract for your new job has arrived. Sign some papers and put them in an envelope. Wave this at your Manager and tell him you’ll be posting this at the end of the week unless you get your pay-rise.

After your pay-rise is quickly confirmed, reveal that the envelope actually only contained a birthday card for your Grandma. Pass this to your Manager and say “Add this to the outgoing mail old sport.”

How to get away with bellowing at the Manager you Hate

As Management gear up for my inevitable dismissal, the Site Manager extended my probation period on bogus grounds. I responded by bellowing at him in front of a client.

My behaviour has become increasingly volatile and erratic. I now frequently bellow unnecessary questions at my Team Manager, and always in a strong Northern accent. This allows me to pretend this is in jest and I’m playing a character. This character is in fact myself, just with a thicker accent. The only thing thicker than the accent is the Customer Service Supervisor, who frequently misspells the word ’customer’, which I duly point out with a quick bellow.

The crowning glory of my bellowing was yelling, “YOU’RE IN MY WAY! RIGHT IN MY WAY THERE”, at the Site Manager, as he showed a key client around. He wasn’t even in my way. His look of stunned disbelief only added to the fevered giggles of my colleagues. This impromptu outburst was because he extended my probation period on grounds of lateness, despite a much less punctual colleague passing her probation. I could only assume that Management wanted rid of me despite my exceptional performance. Was it because I cost them thousands of pounds by making them change their policy on holiday allowance? Or was it my penchant for the bellow?

My bellowing has been accepted for over 7 months, as it’s seen as an integral part of my usual behaviour. If I had worked silently and then bellowed at a Manager I would have been sacked or possibly sectioned. Make sure your workplace behaviour veers towards the ridiculous and your bellowing will be more readily accepted.

After bellowing at the Site Manager I sent a companywide email drawing attention to his supreme incompetence. He again dubbed me a “disgrace” as he desperately tried to find a way to dismiss me.

I decided to bellow at his Manager later. The bigger the Manager, the bigger the bellow.

How to let HR know you’re not to be trifled with

As a restless, volatile, creative with no interest in my day job, I tend to clash with HR. They have documented all of my disciplinary and grievance hearings. They exist to back up Management and protect the company from wayward employees like myself.

HR come at you with smiles and false promises like the biblical snake as it rolled the apple towards Eve with a reassuring nod that all was well. I imagine it nodded and didn’t speak, that would be absurd! All certainly was not well for Eve and you must avoid eating the poisoned apple that HR is trying to feed you. One way of avoiding incident with HR is to work quietly, agree to every Management request and ask for nothing in return. I prefer a more volatile approach.

If you follow the quiet approach you will be seen as a meek errand boy and will be exploited with extra work. I aim to clash with HR within my first 2 months so they know I’m a tricky customer. I know my job description inside out and refuse anything outside of this unless I’m making a run at a pay-rise. I also hint at a connection to the Unions or Employment Lawyers. Make them terrified to go near you.

When threatening HR you must go big or go back to your desk. After fobbing me off for weeks, they eventually changed their holiday policy as I threatened Union action, from a Union I wasn’t a member of. I goaded them about this is my subsequent disciplinary hearings. “So you either didn’t know the basics of employment law or you deliberately tricked people. Which is it, incompetence or immorality?”

I threatened hiring an employment lawyer over enforced changes to my working hours. The HR bulldog barked “I used to be an Employment Lawyer”. I retorted, “I’m not sure if that’s supposed to impress or intimidate me. But let me tell you… it does neither.”

It’s possible that this maverick approach will impress one of the more human Managers and you will be earmarked for promotion… It didn’t happen in my case.

How to make a disastrous impression on your new Manager

Whilst in a typically bored and manic mood, I was introduced to a man waiting to be interviewed. I told him I hate the company so much I involuntarily shout the word “bastard” each morning before leaving the house. He laughed. I wasn’t joking.

I assumed he was one of the latest influx of entry level drones. I eventually realised he was being interviewed for Operations Manager. At this point I shouted, “Wow, a proper job” before sinking to my knees and pretending to worship him. I’d come so far so I continued, loudly berating the company for extending my probation period for minimal reasons despite breaking a company sales record. I described myself as a “loose cannon” and mentioned that the Manager’s “want me out”. He laughed and promised to put a “good word in for me.”

When he got the job I was delighted. Two days later he personally sacked me for my conduct and attitude.  In those two days I filled him in on Management’s immorality and incompetence in detail.

Our relationship deteriorated further as I refused to work unpaid and answer calls after my shift had finished. I was flabbergasted he had the nerve to ask, and told him so. He seemed to find me less amusing now, and I wondered whether he’d still be putting that good word in for me.

Alas he did not. I was dismissed on the spot for “a conduct issue”. For my own amusement I asked for specific examples, which he and the HR bulldog refused to give. Perhaps there were too many examples of disruptive conduct to single out one, although bellowing at the Site Manager was a personal favourite of mine.

I reluctantly handed over my ID lanyard like a maverick cop handing over his badge and gun. He then went into the main office to get my coat and bag. I then sent him back inside to retrieve my hat… I didn’t own a hat.

How to nail an appeal letter after being sacked from the job you hate

When sacked you have 30 days to write your appeal letter and 30 minutes before your email account is deleted. Launch your attack immediately.

I refuted Managements claim that my influence was entirely responsible for the team’s failings in February. I was in Africa for a third of that month. As I wrote in my appeal letter “If I had the power to influence people in different continents, would I really be working in a call centre?”

Management claimed they only had to pay me a weeks’ notice pay as I hadn’t passed my probation period. I had an email from my Manager confirming I had passed it. I sent a former colleague in to smuggle this email out before they deleted the evidence for good.

Being sacked is a war of attrition. I exhausted my Manager with so many questions that he refused to answer anymore and walked out. He didn’t answer whether it was gross misconduct or not. I then mentioned I’d been sacked without clarification why. All vital ammunition as I threatened a tribunal unless my demands were met. These included a full months’ notice pay, the vouchers I was owed and a written apology from the Managing Director. I received the first two. 

Address your appeal letter with letters cut from newspaper headlines, so it resembles a hostage note. This was too time consuming, so I signed my letter with blood instead.

“P.S. I was personally disappointed to be called a “wanker” by the Team Manager in a meeting… And if I can influence other continents with my mind, imagine the damage I’ll do in my tribunal.”

How to exploit the recruitment agency who’s exploiting you

Now needing a new job, I have to deal with vacuous recruitment consultants, who I have to befriend and be interviewed by. All so I can be interviewed by the actual company I applied to, for a job I don’t want.

The recruitment industry is a parasitic tapeworm that burrows deep under your skin. “Those who can’t, teach”? Incorrect, they recruit. People with such a lack of talent for any industry they decide simply to feed off the everyman as he struggles to find work.

These lifeless beings will trick you into moving into a job you’ll hate so they can make their commission from your blood, sweat and tears. I was berated at length by a recruitment consultant for my lack of passion and energy for telesales. No one should be passionate about telesales. It’s an area only slightly less crushing and parasitic than recruitment, I told her.

Having to expend what little energy I have for sales on some drone recruitment consultant leaves me with nothing left for the actual interview. My advice would be to use your best egotistical bullshit on the initial telephone interview with the consultant. Avoid meeting them in person by telling them you “have some minor errands to run”. Demand they put you forward for the final interview and tell them “to be quick about it”.

Play them at their own game by saying empty, meaningless sound-bites with conviction. “Am I good at sales? Last quarter’s revenue figures certainly suggest so”. Laugh arrogantly at how effortless it all is to you. A phrase they love is “My record shows I’m extremely effective!” They can’t check your record.

End the call by saying, “I shouldn’t have to deal with mosquitoes like you, and I shouldn’t even be working in sales. I do, however, excel at sales and I’m devastating in interviews. Put me forward for the interview or a different recruitment agency can make the commission instead.”

Her phone signal went at this point unfortunately.

How to nail an interview for a job you’ll hate

Before every interview I think up the most offensive and bizarre interview answers. This doesn’t help my already slender chances due to my nonchalance, air of superiority and penchant for the bellow.

Interviewers for terrible jobs are like apologetic pimps who currently only have over-weight, masculine hookers. They know you won’t particularly enjoy their girls but they know you’re desperate.

I convinced an interviewer that I would turn down Hollywood interest in my film scripts to stay in his call centre. They will believe what they want to hear. They want to know you plan to stay with them a long time, work quietly and endlessly chase the dream of progression. Lying is essential.

Me: My passion is telesales, ideally in a company where I will be under-paid and overworked.

Interviewer: When can you start?

In order to get my first office job I completely made up a job on my CV. I was promoted from this fictional job within 3 months. When pressed on your lies keep your answers vague and abrupt. The truth that job never existed and my reference was my mate Steve may have harmed my chances. Just lie. Passion for customer experiences, great work ethic, first in last out etc.

When asked how you respond to criticism say “A Manager criticised me once, and let’s just say he won’t be doing it again in a hurry.” If a female interviewer flinches, say “Ah she knows.”

“Why do you want the job?” Catch that grenade and toss it right back. “Why should I want to work here as opposed to the other companies interested in me?” Nothing is more enticing than when someone out of your league hints they may be attainable. Have the attitude that you’re too good for this role and it’s down to them to change your mind.

“Any questions?” “Just one… When do I start?”

How to hide you’ve been sacked from your previous job

Now in my new exciting new telesales job, I must hide my outstanding dismissal record. Whilst only 18 I’d already been sacked from 4 jobs.

I expertly cover my tracks so current bosses never find out. The reference issue is tricky. Companies with high staff turnovers will only issue a generic reference stating your job title and date worked. Luckily my dismissal reason of shouting at the Site Manager in front of a client was not mentioned. I had to put my most recent work reference on my CV though, and gave the name of a friend.

As long as you make a decent start to your role they won’t bother to chase up this reference. Adopt a fake smile and pretend to enjoy your job for the first 2 months. After this ‘honeymoon’ period you can allow your abusive rants and general inappropriateness to seep out. Pass this off as “becoming comfortable” within the company when complained about.
 
Avoid any mention of your previous dismissals and block your colleagues before they add you on Facebook- you’ll only delete them as they start to irritate you.

If your Manager finds out about your previous dismissal, claim you had a similar name to an incompetent colleague and were sacked by clerical error. Say your Manager was so embarrassed that he dismissed you to save face.

If that doesn’t wash, tell your Manager to clear his desk as you’re sacking him. When he’s thoroughly shocked and confused say “see how easy it is to get mixed up over dismissals.”

How to find and expose the snakes in your office

There’s at least one snake in every office. The promiscuous climber, the cynical wash-up, the long-serving intern- or anyone else trying to climb the greasy ladder.  You must identify these treacherous beasts before it’s too late.

When joining a company do not make any sudden allegiances, it will enrage the snake if you join with one of her enemies. I say her because it has been a woman in my last two workplaces. You can’t argue with a majority like that. You also can’t argue with the snake, as anything you say will be twisted and find its way back to your Manager.

Smiles, over-loud laughter, insincere praise, quiet bitching and tutting are all traits of the office snake. You should hear enough rumblings in your first month to have a good idea who this is. Most are supervisors, bitter that they’re not real Managers. Analyse their lunch, toilet and drink schedule- as you don’t want to be collared at the water cooler.

Do not placate them by asking for advice. I did- and received a wrinkled, flabby arm around my shoulder, and a putrid breast pressed against my arm. Like the last balloon at a child’s party, withered, half-full and desperate to be played with again. 

If still unsure on who the office snake is, narrow the field by telling each candidate a different scandalous story about yourself. Nothing arouses a sneaky snake more than the chance to divulge a secret. See which tale is circulated the quickest. This will blow the sneaks polite cover.

I told our office snake that I was a wanted criminal on the run. This blew her cover but almost cost me my job when the Police turned up. A mild hint at dishonour will suffice.

How to hide your incompetence from the Manager you hate

If I ever meet a more incompetent worker than myself I will be truly impressed. On one occasion I interrupted a customer’s question by bellowing “GOODBYE!” and hanging up.

The main reason for my incompetence is that I just don’t care. I am also skilled at charming my colleagues into covering my tracks. The customer service team channel easy sales my way and the IT guy deletes evidence of my abusive emails to clients.

At 9:20am my Manager demands to know what I’m doing today. I don’t answer as it’s usually very little. I have 2 achievements stock piled and mention one just before his questioning begins. I might sigh, whilst updating my CV, and say “That new chain I introduced is tricky to manage- but will be very lucrative next year.” He’ll love the fake implication that I plan to be there next year. Stock pile these minor achievements for a particularly error-strewn day.

Work out their KPI’s (key performance indicators) immediately and find the loopholes. Get the inside track from the more unambitious colleagues in your new job. Do your Manager’s focus on the number of calls you make? Ring clients who are on holiday so you get their voicemail. Repeat this several times a day. Time spent on the phone? On your Managers lunch call a friend and get 45 minutes banked.

Most importantly, do not over-perform when new to a role. They will expect you to maintain and improve on this! Work at 60% of your capabilities and slip in 3 deliberate errors each week. After a couple of months, reduce the weekly errors to 2 and move up to 70% capability. This will look like you’re really committed to the company.

How to overcome boredom in the job you hate

My colleagues are dull. The salary is minimal. The targets are unachievable… I don’t like my new job.

After a disastrous cold call in which I deliberately antagonized a customer, I decided to make no more sales calls. I quickly faked enough calls to avoid my Manager’s complaints. My next problem was the crushing silence and boredom in the office. Nobody speaks; as if they do they get complained about by the office snake… I hatched a plan.

I volunteered to represent the department at the upcoming focus group meeting. Not only did this disguise my apathy and contempt for the company, it also gave me a reason to leave my desk. I milked this for hours, wandering the company pretending to ask for people’s ideas for the meeting. I returned to my desk urgently, and then pretended I’d forgotten people and hid in the kitchen for another 20 minutes.

In the meeting I hammered away at the Managing Director over the terrible salaries, unrealistic targets and negative atmosphere. I made him as uncomfortable as possible and at one point asked him to reduce his salary to allow for pay rises. I ignored his laughter and stated “come on now lad”.

He escaped to the toilet when I threatened to crash frying pans together whenever the office snake tuts. On his return I immediately returned to my point, I invented the toilet escape! I extended this meeting for over two hours to delay my return to the office.  I ended by saying he should buy a defibrillator as I nearly have a heart attack when I read my wage slip… Antagonising the Manager on how poorly he’s running the company is a rare treat.

Later on he came over to my desk and opened his mouth to demand I got back on the phone. He took one look at me, closed his mouth and walked away.

How to fake phone calls in the job you hate

Every day my Manager asks what new businesses will order and how many calls I’ll make. The truth of very few on both counts seems to displease him.  

I reluctantly agree to make 25 calls a day, although I don’t particularly enjoy being on the phone. As a Telephone Account Manager I feel I may be in the wrong job. When questioned on how few calls I make I retorted “I see myself more as an ideas man”. My Manager said he saw me as a Telephone Account Manager as my job title suggested. I asked if he’d like to change my job title to “Ideas Man”. He didn’t respond.

Management now run reports on how many calls I make, to scare me into making them more money. These cats have already grown fat from the milk my udders produce. Like a litter of greedy kittens suckling their mother with no consideration of her sore nipples.

Paid a pittance and with unrealistic commission targets, I don’t want to give Management any more milk. I use their totalitarian call monitoring systems against them. I fake 20 calls a day. I call customers like leisure centres, listen to their automated options for a minute and then hang up without speaking to anyone. Another technique is to call customers I know are on holiday. “Can’t get through to anyone today”, I shout. I call another customer I think isn’t in, but he answers! I go silent until he hangs up.

This technique eliminates time wasted finding leads and frees up time for writing my blog, scripts and job applications. Whilst writing for any length of time I occasionally ask my Manager a question so it seems like a work email. If under pressure to get on the phone write something on a post-it note and wander the building aimlessly. Nothing makes you seem busier than holding a post-it note.

My Manager praised me on a high number of calls yesterday. I thanked him, and immediately called Mr Bradbury, as he’s currently on long term sick leave.

How to turn your Managers against each other

This tactic requires a light touch, people skills and a Machiavellian streak to rival Shakespeare’s greatest villains. You will be playing your Manager’s against each other to discover the things they won’t mention in your contract.

You must play the talkative, office joker. This will lower people’s boundaries as they don’t take you overly seriously. Dedicate a ten minute slot, twice a day to engage in your Manager’s cringey banter, be it talk of MOT’s, mortgages or Marketing’s temperamental printer. Every company has one Manager who is resting on his laurels, delegating and gratefully taking home his inflated pay packet. Find this Manager immediately and befriend him.

Find an audience for casual jokes, impressions and quips about the other Managers. Encourage participation and make shots at Senior Management common place, especially from your Management contact. Managers, like actual human beings, are secretly resentful of their superiors and revel in demeaning them through casual jokes. Empower this desire.

Pick your moment carefully, and take your shot at finding out the company policies they will never divulge. Probe your Manager for information on pay-rises, progression opportunities and boardroom disruption. He may reveal that the owners will prohibit pay-rises indefinitely or that next year’s targets will be deliberately unachievable…He may reveal nothing, which probably means that all of the above are true, and this Manager is not the resting on his laurels type you believed him to be.

In fact he may have been playing you all along and has tricked you into revealing your true disruptive colours. Here you must tip your cap, admit you’ve been beaten by a better villain and move onto the next job that you will hate.

How to survive a disciplinary meeting with HR

I was brought into a meeting about how angry and bored I seemed. I hinted this was a temporary phase, which I will get through by focussing on my targets. Never, ever be honest with HR. The more friendly and human they seem the more you must lie.

The minutes from my disciplinary meetings are usually taken in short hand by some HR drone. “How many words per minute can you do?” I ask, throwing the gauntlet down before speed talking like a machine gun. Make the note taker miss parts and then you can claim it was a biased meeting if you need to. Why not throw in some made up words to really trip them up?

I once admitted to being bored and unstimulated, which led to me being given extra work, which was even less stimulating than my current duties. I lost that HR battle. If you have agreed to extra work, do not fake enthusiasm for it! This will only prolong this unfortunate situation. Carry out the extra work with the stoic silence of a grave digger or a loyal soldier marching to his probable death. Any faked enthusiasm will make you the go to guy when your Manager wants to palm off his workload. An occasional deliberate and calamitous mistake should help avoid this.

This extra workload can also be used to excuse any missed targets, inappropriate behaviour or supreme incompetence.

How to get one over on the Manager you hate

Call your Manager over and ask them for some advice. Ask an open ended question about their buzz topic for that week, cross-selling in my Manager’s case. They will be impressed and flattered by your interest. Ask to take notes, to flatter them further.
 
Look at your Manager intently and make a list of every aspect of their face that annoys you. Occasionally interrupt his pompous, jargon riddled babble with one of his favourite phrases. The idea that his phrases are rubbing off on you will really get his engine going.
 
My list read:

1. Gnome-like face.
2. Receding hair gelled to the scalp.
3. No neck.
4. Huge jowls.

The list can be anything about him that angers you. After he finishes talking thank him, secure in the knowledge that you didn’t listen to a word, ridiculed him, wasted his time and yet improved his perception of you.
 
Spice the game up by letting a work ally in on the act and compete to see who can compile the longest list. This will also make it hard not to laugh, which only adds to the stakes and excitement of this brilliant game.

How not to get sacked from the job you hate

Are you being monitored heavier than usual? You’re in danger of dismissal. Identify which Manager hates you the most and which has the most authority on dismissals. In my previous job I constantly undermined one and bellowed at the other. I was sacked.

Seduce said Managers with lies of your desire to improve results, behaviour and grow the company. The more of a jobsworth your Manager is, the more he’ll be taken in by this drivel. Thank them for their constant monitoring (“extra interest”) and claim that you want to take on extra responsibility, ideally some of theirs. They really get aroused at the thought of palming off their workload onto their underpaid underlings.

The aim is to find something not too taxing that you can drag out for 2 months, a company night out is the Holy Grail. Set the date as far in advance as possible and enthusiastically “sink your teeth” into this. Or in truth procrastinate and change the plan endlessly. Vague, company-wide emails asking for feedback and ideas are a fine start.

Make it seem like you’ve done so much legwork that no-one could take over the task from you. Claim to have negotiated an excellent discount on the venue, food, or drinks. I guarantee that you will not be sacked until after this event. If played properly you can delay your imminent dismissal for up to 3 months; as they’ll be reluctant to sack you immediately after the event.

If they do still sack you, taking on this “extra work and stress” is fantastic ammunition for the employment tribunal.

How to survive the office party

Office parties are a hilarious opportunity to wreak havoc amongst your usually reserved colleagues. At the Christmas party I got my former Manager so drunk that he threw a drink in a woman’s face and screamed “I don’t apologise on a Friday!”

I alluded to this whenever he complained about my conduct. The aim is to encourage and provoke this type of behaviour from your Managers, whilst sitting back and watching the carnage unfurl. This can be a wild-card to use to delay your dismissal. Stay close to the drunkest of your superiors, ply them with alcohol and remember any indiscretions.

At a recent work event most people stood in silence, looking around awkwardly. It was like watching people interact who’d always lived alone…in a cave. Avoid the cave dwellers and the dull work talk too. At an AGM I got drunk as quickly as possible and refused to discuss work with anyone.

I’m inappropriate sober and worse drunk. I start impersonating the Managing Director and contesting the Managers over their unjustified salaries. I get back up from a drunken clique of the most offensive and incompetent colleagues I can find.

At all good work parties someone runs up a huge bar tab, offends everyone and shouts about hating the company. Be that someone. You could play it straight, have two drinks and leave. But where’s the fun in that. Make your own entertainment by telling the more timid Managers about bizarre sexual encounters. Interrupt talks of next year’s budget by saying you won’t be there next year. Write out your resignation letter on a serviette and wave it invitingly in your Manager’s face. Tease him that he’s about to get rid of you before eating it!

When your Manager holds court interrupt him with by loudly listing everything you dislike about the company. They say that you shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds you.

I like to give it a nibble.

How to manage a hangover in the job you hate

I delight in mid-week drinking, gulping my beer happily and deciding whether I can get away with another sick day or not.

As a stoic Northerner I usually turn up the next day, although in a drunk, belligerent and reckless state. There’s no better start to a day than seeing the look of fear in your Manager’s eyes as he realises you’re going to be unmanageable today. Cackle and grin drunkenly to let him know you’ll be even more obnoxious, loud and unproductive than usual…Why not do a forward roll?

Get a disciplinary meeting lined up for later in the week when you are desperate to get off the phones. Get your colleagues to shout out bizarre words and then work these into conversations with customers. Todays were “blimey” “Hercules” and “Bob Marley”. Instead of “transferring” a customer through, instead tell them you will “topspin” or “power” them through.

Ride the wave of the morning drunkenness and terrify your Manager into staying out of your way. An occasional volley of verbal abuse should do the trick nicely. Get your urgent tasks done whilst drunk in the morning. You will need a nap in the afternoon.

I recently stayed out drinking until 7am and went straight to work the following day. Have your heaviest nights out the day before a big presentation. Swagger in with the casual indifference and ego of a rock star. My Manager described my presentation as “wildly inappropriate” but secretly I think he was impressed.

Enjoy your week. Do as much as possible outside of work and as little as possible inside work. Develop an obnoxious and volatile persona that makes your Manager question why he ever employed you. The ideal is to make your Manager want to sack you but know he can’t.

I’ve over-stepped this line on occasion.

How to manage your Manager’s expectations of you

Managers are like Oliver Twist, they always want more, but they don’t call you Sir and they want more than cheap gruel.

KPI’s will increase, targets will rise and workload will intensify…if you allow it. Fight them at every turn and justify why they shouldn’t increase targets. Work out which areas they can’t monitor and claim you’re doing projects in those areas. Prospecting, email campaigns, improving existing processes etc.

Haggle when asked to do anything. “I could get you a coffee yes. But will I?” Your Manager will laugh…at first. Keep it up and make it awkward for him to ask for anything. Make him repeat the more trivial requests several times before refusing. If called into a disciplinary claim this was “morale boosting banter”.

Work out what you need from your Manager to improve your chances of finding other employment- systems training, presentation experience etc. Use this as a bargaining tool when he asks you do something. “I only asked for a coffee, and you’ve asked for a £3,000 course in return!” If you have to agree to extra tasks always get something in return.

Loudly proclaim yourself “The outstanding performer in the Department”, so your Managers over value you. Mention the pressure of your colleagues looking up to you and the time you spend helping raise their game. The occasional jargon riddled advice email, with Manager’s cc’d in, will enhance this sham. When they believe you are the stand out performer- threaten to leave.

I pulled a power-play recently, threatening to leave if I didn’t get a significant pay rise. When your pay rise is confirmed, thank your Manager earnestly and then demand a promotion to match your salary.

Why you shouldn’t get promoted from the job you hate

The only time I’ve been promoted was from a job that didn’t exist that I invented to get an actual job. I shouldn’t have bothered. I was quickly sacked for my disruptive behaviour.

I work exclusively in terrible jobs with little or no progression opportunities. I’ve only ever seen one colleague promoted, and she had to snitch on her colleagues first. Your options are to become an informant to Management or to work your fingers to the bone for years in the hope of promotion. I don’t like the idea of either.

Promotion is overrated anyway. You will have more face time with the Manager you hate, who will demand more from you. You will be expected to laugh at his crap jokes, contribute in meetings and to really care about the company. How is anyone capable of this?

The further up the ladder you climb, the harder it is to get off it. Promotion is a Faustian pact with the devil. You will be complicit in your Managers underhand attempts to bleed more from your colleagues. Before you know it you will be carrying out his dirty work yourself. Taking notes in disciplinary meetings and conspiring on who’s next to be fired.

I stay on the bottom rung of the ladder until I’m quickly rumbled for not being the enthusiastic go getter I portrayed in my interview. This is usually within my first week when I turn up late and hung-over, wearing yesterdays creased shirt and an obnoxious smirk. If I was to be promoted I would have to behave appropriately and worse still, manage people like myself. I’d end up trying to sack myself but wouldn’t be able to as I’m too good at covering my tracks.

My Manager asked me why our competitors are a more profitable business. I suggested they had better Managers. He laughed, until he realised I wasn’t joking. I left him in stunned silence as I left the office chuckling, to take yet another toilet break. I enjoy flirting with dismissal by tormenting my Manager with intermittent needling digs. This is much more fun than entering the treacherous circle of Management.

I don’t know how to get promoted and I don’t want to.

How to pretend you believe your Manager’s lies

Managers are pathological liars. Most have been lying for so long they don’t even realise they’re lying. You mustn’t let them know you see through them… It’s just as well that I’m also a pathological liar.

In my interview I lied about:

1. Planning to stay here for years.
2. Being sacked from my previous job.
3. Making up a job on my CV.

I put the liar into liability and can sniff out a lie and counter with a better lie. I do not let my Manager know I have this skill. I hint that I’m gullible and patient, although I’m neither. He licks his lips thinking about how long he will be able to fob me off about pay rises and promotions. I lull him into this false sense of security and allow him to palm off his workload onto me.

I wait until he’s completely reliant on me, when he has a presentation to give, which I’ve written. I drag my feet as he has been doing about my pay rise. I delay giving him this by saying I’m concerned about “the effect this heavy wind will have on my vegetable patch”. I leave the room muttering “damn courgettes”.

My Manager tells me he’s been talking me up to Senior Management. I doubt this is true and this is a common lie middle managers tell their underlings. I leave my Manager, Mr Baxter, to stew a little longer. He seeks me out in the kitchen and demands this presentation. I grin and tell him I’ve included a series of deliberate errors, which will make his position untenable when he presents this. He stammers, realising I’ve been playing him all along. “You’ve underestimated me Baxter”, I say, dropping the Mr prefix to show I’m now in charge.

I make Baxter call the MD to recommend me for a hefty pay rise. After this has been done I email Baxter the presentation without the mistakes in. In some slides I included pictures of kittens, which makes him look very silly indeed.

How to look busy whilst doing nothing

I’ve taken to looking out of the window to try to ease my boredom. However, I only have a skip to look at, which intensifies my despair.

I’ve started making lists, as intermittent noting looks productive. I’m listing every film I’ve ever seen, which is into its 17^th page now. An occasional empty work statement helps cover up my actions. “Price is one of our USP’s isn’t it?” I add Skyfall to my list. I consider adding it twice as I enjoyed it so much, but that would just be a waste of time.

Yesterday I kept a tally chart of how many times the Customer Service Supervisor sighed, tutted and kissed her teeth. 72 sighs, 9 tuts and 5 teeth kisses- in case you’re wondering. 86 offensive noises in one day! I work out that in the last 2 years I’ve heard over 40,000 of these noises. I swivel in my chair cackling at the absurdity of this, with an ever loosening grasp on sanity.

I put most efforts into faking busyness for the ten minutes before my Manager goes on lunch and the seconds before he returns. I learn to recognise his footsteps and re-start my workaholic act just before his return so it seems like I’ve been working constantly for the last hour. In truth I’ve been hiding in the toilet or distracting my colleagues.

Personal emails or writings should be drafted in outlook so it seems like a work email. Personal phone calls should be disguised with an occasional “I’ll get that over to you right away” so it seems like a customer.

I dab water on my brow and add to my film list so energetically that my Manager suggests I take a short break. I decide to take a long break instead, as I’ve worked so hard today.

How to break the silence in your office

Whenever I’m in an uncomfortably silent environment I feel compelled to make lots of noise and behave very inappropriately. My office is completely silent…until I kick into action.

I feed off My Manager’s disapproving expression as I become increasingly unruly. I asked a customer (Mr Williams) if he was any relation to Kenneth Williams from the Carry On Films. “Oooh Matron”, I loudly impersonated him. For some reason my little finger crept into the corner of my mouth like Dr Evil and I then impersonated him as well. My customer enjoyed these impressions and my Manager did not. Win win.

Give yourself a round of applause whenever you complete a task. Crank this up to a standing ovation for the more minor achievements like tying your shoe lace. Get others to join in. In my last job we had a minute of applause whenever the Manager left the office. This sense of community and humour doesn’t exist here. I act alone.

I operate a campaign of verbose annoyance. With a loudly offensive, made-up Northern accent I distract people on phone calls by shouting unnecessary questions at them. “Eh, what’s more red, a raspberry or a beetroot?!” Sometimes I shout encouragement at them like a deranged football coach. “That’s the way Johnson. Yeah keep on talking. Close the deal!”

If brought into a disciplinary meeting about this, claim you have a duty to transfer your passion and enthusiasm onto your colleagues. Eventually promise your Managers that you will rein it in. Walk out of the office silently, head bowed down in embarrassment... Then bellow out of the window.

How to avoid conversations with the Manager you hate

Conversations with Management are a mine field. You have to fake enthusiasm, excitement and interest. I prefer to avoid them entirely.

As I see him approach I pick up my phone and dial a random number. I mouth “big new customer” and start a conversation with the poor person I’ve just called. He tends to leave his “motivational” talks until 4:50 in the afternoon. I schedule my final toilet break of the day for that time.

I once shared a train journey with a Manager in which he asked what he should change about the company. I answered in such detail that he decided it’d be easier to sack me instead of making my suggested changes. If on a train with a Manager get off at the first stop and change carriages to avoid him. I did this but bumped into my Manager when getting off the train. I blamed this on the prescription painkillers I’ve been taking.

I tune out immediately when my Manager speaks. I make my disinterest known by interrupting him by asking something like, “If eagles and bears were the same size, which would win in a fight.” He’ll leave you alone with your thoughts from now on.

To avoid talking to my Manager in a meeting I respond to any questions with an “ergghhh” noise to ensure I won’t be asked any more. If this is too risky for you, tell your Manager you will only answer one question today. When he does ask his question refuse to answer it anyway and tell him you were lying. He will admire this deceptive streak and may promote you to Management.

How to stop nosy colleagues looking at your screen

A nosy colleague who sits behind me desperately tries to see my screen so she can report me to Management. Every company has one of these joyless people and you mustn’t let them see your screen.

This gradually decomposing spinster is desperate to catch me on Twitter or Facebook so she can grass me up to Management. I’m not sure why, but as Michael Caine said “Some people just want to watch the world burn”. I’ve installed a small mirror on my monitor so I can monitor her. The watcher becomes the watched! When I see her peering over at my screen I immediately turn, and grin madly at her. Sometimes I use the mirror to reflect the sunlight into her eyes, which I particularly enjoy. Pavlovian conditioning will eventually teach her not to look at my screen.

I learnt to recognise her footsteps so I could quickly minimise my offending screen. She got wise and started creeping up the stairs and bursting through the office door. Not to be defeated, I taped a small bell to her back. I could then hear the jingling as she approached. Her hearing isn’t what it used to be so she’s none the wiser.

If she persists to look at my screen I open a word document and write her full name repeatedly. I do this in a large font to make sure she can see it. When I got onto my fourth page she freaked out and reported me to Management.

I deleted this document immediately and claimed she was losing her mind. “She’s started taping bells to her back for heaven sake!”

How to survive until your holidays

The days before your annual leave are the most mind-numbing. You’ll be in holiday mood and won’t want to do anything but you need to look busy never-the-less.

For the writers and bloggers out there, open up a new email in Outlook and write away happily. Occasionally ask your Manager a work question so it seems like a work email you’re writing. Persuade the Marketing Manager that you’d love to create a blog for the company. Your constant use of Facebook and Twitter will then look like research. Hopefully they’ll forget about this when you return from annual leave. If not, claim you went off the idea as you’re “changeable like the weather”.

If like me you’ve been getting progressively more volatile of late it’s very important not to go postal. You have just a few days to get through before escaping your idiot Manager and tedious colleagues. Draft your resignation letter and leave it in your drawer for a rainy day.

You get extra leeway for disruptive behaviour around holiday times, which you must exploit. Pass off your disobedience as high-spirits. If that doesn’t wash, claim you’ve got Seasonal Affective Disorder. I told my Manager I had this as I’m angry and bored at work for all four seasons.

Why not antagonise your Manager to pass the time? Call him over to your desk and when he gets there say “Can I help you?” Stare at him blankly until he leaves. Repeat this several times. It gets funnier each time. As your Manager if he’s got any eggs as you’re planning on egging a few of the Manager’s cars for a laugh. He’ll like this.

I told my Manager he’d been dragging his feet for so long about my pay-rise that he’s worn away his shoe’s heels. I told him he was a “soul-less individual”. A splendid pun, which he didn’t seem to get. It went over the poor chap’s head. I’ll dumb my wit down in future.

If your Manager’s going away, why not slip a fish into his drawer before he goes? A piece of sole would take the ‘soul-less pun’ to a whole new level.

How to survive your return from holiday

Your holiday has decimated the overdraft you said you wouldn’t use. You need a new job or a pay-rise.

I can’t face dealing with a recruitment agency to get another job I’ll hate and probably get sacked from. I need a meaty pay-rise. You should have verbally asked your Manager for a pay-rise 2 months ago to plant the seed. He will have then dragged his feet to delay this. Hit him with a bold email upon your return making your demands known.

I’d verbally asked for a £5k pay-rise, which I now bumped up to £6k as he’d made me repeat myself. Take charge of this exchange by referring to your Manager by only using his surname “Listen up Baxter”. I ended my email by saying “I’m devastating in interviews and will find another sales job with ease. This is not a bluff Baxter”, I claimed, bluffing.

You should be sending Managers of other department’s vague tips and leads, with the decision-making Manager CC’d in. Talk up this team-player mentality; I called myself a “captain”.

Make generous predictions on how lucrative you will be over the coming year. Your Manager won’t want to have to find and train your replacement, so be bold. You’ll need to get this pay-rise signed off quickly, before they realise your predictions won’t materialise.

Give your Manager a deadline of the end of the month. Include your resignation letter, forward dated to the end of the month so he knows you mean business. In case he calls your bluff and accepts this resignation letter, you should sign it with his name. That should baffle the old jobsworth.

A power-play a day keeps the Doctor away.

How to get away with fraudulent sick days

Fraudulent sick days are essential in any job you hate. Check the contract to find out how many paid sick days you get a year. I asked in my interview. It didn’t go down well.

Throw a couple of sick days early on in a new job as they won’t expect you to fake illness so soon. When your sick days inevitably increase, they will be less noticeable as your record is already blemished. I only pulled one sick day in my first 6 months, and 5 in the next six months when I started being paid for them. This was flagged by HR, and yet another disciplinary meeting followed.

Manager’s monitor which days you call in sick on, the classics are Monday and Friday or ideally both. Mix up the days you don’t come in. Come in every other day for a week. As long as you’re suitably hung-over each time you’ll look convincingly rough and get brownie points for trying to work through your ‘illness’. Commit to the lie and go home ‘sick’ at lunch time.

If you’re pulling a long-weekender you must ham up your ‘illness’ the preceding days. Splash water on your face to give the illusion of cold sweats. Start talking in archaic language so they think you’re in a delirious fever. “I wonder whether I’ve happened upon a touch of Yellow Fever!” Bellow this like a belligerent, Dickensian drunk, before staring intently at your Manager and whispering “Mr Bigglestock’s mistress had it last week you know!”

I repeatedly joked about calling in sick for a two-day sales meeting. I then called in sick. No-one thought I’d be stupid enough to joke about it and then do it. Underestimate my stupidity at your peril. This tactic should be used sparingly to bypass particularly traumatic meetings.

When filling out return to work forms, make your descriptions so graphic that they don’t question you any further. “Streams of filth oozed…” You get the idea. But most importantly don’t short change yourself on sick days and don’t feel guilty. You do something you hate for 9 hours a day, for the benefit of some over-weight Manager who doesn’t care about you.

Why not call in sick tomorrow? You deserve it.

How to nail a presentation justifying the job you hate

Every quarter I have to make a presentation justifying why I deserve to keep my job. An ancient Chinese saying reads ‘He who has to sing for his supper, should consider a different supper.’

I don’t know if that is an ancient saying, or even Chinese, but I do know my supper tastes awful. Management plant dismissal fears a few weeks before the presentations. I then have to explain why I haven’t hit targets that Management know are unachievable. This utterly pointless ritual is done to lower my self-esteem so I don’t ask for a pay-rise. It didn’t work.

Reel off your presentation with casual indifference as though you’re being head-hunted for a role you don’t really want. I described my last quarter as “positive” despite missing all 3 targets. I rounded it off with an impression of the Managing Director. Claim the targets were missed because of unforeseen circumstances. If asked what these were, say you’re not at liberty to discuss them.

Allude to an actual achievement and keep saying, “I’ll talk about that in more detail later.” Make them so curious they ask their questions about this instead of any of your failings. Talk about your encouragement for the next quarter, although you know you’ll fail just as miserably. Mention a complaint that you turned into a sale, when in reality it was the other way around. Sing loudly about your “unsung work” gelling departments together, although you’ve done the opposite.

Volunteer to run workshops to pass on your skills. Let you Manager know you’re not threatened by the dismissal fears and are so confident in your abilities you know you’ll be the last to be fired.

In my last job I was one of the first to be fired.

How to get away with a series of calamitous mistakes

If you’re not making mistakes, you’re not learning. If that’s true I must be a genius. My former employer lent me a brand new car for the weekend to learn about. I didn’t learn a thing and I also reversed it into a parked car.

I feigned ignorance and denied all knowledge of this. Manager’s struggle when you stone wall them with ignorance. Ignorance, when coupled with indifference, is a very powerful weapon. Give off the air that you couldn’t care less and they will assume you’re not responsible at all. They will be reluctant to accuse you of something for fear of it being used against them in your tribunal.

When brought into a disciplinary, grin at your Manager as though you’re proud of your mistakes. Wait until he speaks and interrupt him with “I’m a man of immediate action and I make no apologies for that.” Embrace the following silence with another smug grin. Wait until he talks and interrupt him again with “A bad decision is better than indecision”. Give him a smarmy nod, stand up and call an end to this disciplinary hearing. Turn back to your stunned Manager and say “Stick with me kid, you won’t go far wrong”.

Attack is the best form of defence when facing your mistakes. If you’re in a poorly paid office job you will be under trained and over-worked. Draw attention to your lack of training by sending an email asking for further training early on. After this is inevitably ignored you can cite this as the reason for your mistakes. If your Manager’s micromanage you, question why they didn’t spot your error at the time. Lecture them on the importance of attention to detail.

I recently sent an offer to over 100 leisure centres for a product we didn’t stock, for a price we couldn’t offer. I emailed my colleagues announcing the impending shit-storm and then went on annual leave for several days. I palmed this responsibility onto the Customer Service Supervisor who constantly bitches anyway, so nobody would listen to her complaints about me. An inspired move even if I do say myself.

How to use your Manager’s jargon against him

Whilst working in sales I have been subjected to the worst examples of Management speak as they try to threaten and cajole me to make them more money. If you cut a Sales Manager he would bleed meaningless sound-bites.

Sales Managers are the pimps of the office world, watching you make them money through a series of humiliating encounters. They are also never happy, “Yes you hit your target, but if you’d have worked harder you could’ve hit it better”. There really is no way to avoid this verbal drivel. You can only make the best of a very bad job. Phrases like ‘covering ground’ and ‘smash it’ mean make lots of phone calls.

Managers are a greedy, uncreative bunch who use transparent tactics to bleed more from you. The competition, where you compete with colleagues for a minimal prize. Chasing a promotion that doesn’t exist. Or best of all- the classic redundancy scare. People will work harder when their jobs are on the line won’t they? Indulge your Managers and make them think their dirty tricks are working on you. “I better nail this presentation to safeguard my job right?” Then immediately return to the job-sites.

They like to think that their brand of verbal nonsense is different to every other Sales Manager. Occasionally slip in one of their stock phrases so they think you’re being inspired by their babble. Better still, take their sound-bites literally. When asked to “go mad on the phone” swivel on your chair and perform a tribal chant. Make your Managers explain what they mean and they might realise the absurdity of their diatribe.

After throwing your chair through the window say, “I honestly thought that’s what you meant by ‘smash it’.

How to seem like a team player whilst playing your team

Differentiate yourself from your team of morons and jobsworths, whilst making it seem like you’re trying to raise their game.

This tactic involves you having normal intelligence and social skills, which your team may not have if you’re working in a low-paid telesales job. Work out the common sense things you do that your team do not. CC your Manager’s into emails sharing your success with tips for your teammates. Only do this if your team are too lazy or stupid to heed this advice. You don’t want them to become too competent or this will take the shine off yourself.

Organise team drinks, but do this on a night when you know they’re busy. You will look like you’re trying to gel this disparate team together but they’re not reciprocating your efforts. Shrug your shoulders and give your Manager the “I tried” look. Have your excuses ready in case anyone tries this tactic on you. I’ve bypassed the last two by citing the falconry class I’m doing.

Whenever a teammate gets themself a drink, immediately get everyone a drink, including them. Hand them a drink and say “Oh you got yourself one already”. Let this hang in the air before loudly offering the drink to another department. 

If anyone in your team offers you any form of entertainment, stimulating conversation or humour- join forces with them. My team offers none of these. Their small talk is smaller than my work ethic, and even more tedious than my job. I’ve given up trying to extract life from my colleagues.

In weekly one-to-one’s with Management offer your help to your drone team mates but give the impression they may be beyond help. Return to your office and give them no help whatsoever.

How to tolerate the colleagues you hate

“Good morning”, I cheerfully greet my colleagues. One mumbles a response, the rest don’t bother. Most of these tedious drones don’t speak and the ones that do shouldn’t.

The office is shrouded in a crushing, prolonged silence broken only by moans, rants and tuts from the Customer Service Supervisor. Each tut is a dagger to my numb brain, worsened by the teeth kissing sound that follows. Her foul mouthed rants are replaced by a polite façade whenever a Manager enters. I wanted to ring a bell every time she tutted, but HR wouldn’t allow it. I crashed frying pans together instead.

Engineer an escape from your crushing office as often as possible. Drink excessive water and mention your weak bladder to your Manager. I have at least 2 toilet breaks an hour. I prefer the company in there.

Another trick is to carry a post-it-note as you wander the building aimlessly. When passing a Manager wave this note, nod somberly and stride past. Spice things up by writing “SACK ME” on the post-it-note and see how many Managers you can wave this at without them realizing.

Irritate your colleagues as much as they irritate you and focus on one in particular each day. The more regimented they are, the more you should re-arrange their desks, food shelf and filing. Leave a single pea on their desk whenever they leave it. Get some in their coat pockets for added annoyance when they get home. Keep this up every day. Mention that you’ve been finding peas too. Whip your colleagues into such a frenzy that these peas are mentioned in the monthly newsletter… Why not slip an occasional onion into their pocket?

Alleviate your prolonged boredom by humiliating and angering your woeful colleagues. Then escalate your campaign to Management.

How to bully the Manager who’s bullying you

When your Manager makes a point, take notes, nod enthusiastically and then flatly disagree with him. You’ve complimented and excited him before leaving him disappointed and humiliated. A classic one night stand.

My Manager stomps through the office, eats my biscuits without asking and repeatedly barks “what’s going on?” He tops this with a disgusting “Uh, uh” noise, like a walrus being molested. The only thing worse than this noise is the “come on” he says as though speaking to a dog.

I curl into a ball and absorb his passive-aggressive pokes, prods and kicks. I wait until he has drawn an audience to watch and then I hit him with a sucker-punch. Meetings are an excellent venue to dish up his punishment. Raise your index finger at your Manager as he talks, when this unnerves him, exclaim “incorrect”. This word is kryptonite to control freak Managers. The lower your position in the company, the more he will be thrown by this technique.

He rudely thumbs through my paperwork and places his coffee on my desk. I immediately take a gulp and spit it onto his feet. “You know I don’t like sugar!” Make your desk such a hostile environment that he no longer stops by for a threatening chat… And keep a banana within reach.

When he demands you do something for him, turn to your desk urgently. Pick up your banana, turn back to face him and slowly peel it. Maintain eye contact and grin at him as you sink your teeth into this banana. Stare at him without blinking as you eat the whole thing.

As your nosy colleagues gawp at you, hand him the peel and very politely say “I’m too busy I’m afraid.”

How to close down the company you hate

I orchestrated an elaborate hoax to shut down the business for at least a day. I turned up early and a van marked “Toxic Waste Solutions” screeched past me. 3 men in nuclear boiler suits ran out, tipped luminous green paint on the floor and cordoned off the building.

The obese Managing Director was waved away from his building by my lead actor, who I instructed through an ear piece. He was told there had been a toxic spillage and was asked if he had been dealing barrels of toxic waste. The ruddy faced MD threatened to call his lawyer. “That’s the first sensible thing you’ve said”, I had my man to tell him.

The entire workforce now waited in the car park as my actors “inspected” this waste. A stripper dressed as a Policeman waited for my signal behind a tree. I chuckled as the MD again shouted “No I don’t deal toxic waste!” With exquisite timing, I another truck pulled up and unloaded several barrels, all marked toxic. “Another delivery as requested,” they said to the MD. The “courier” showed the speechless MD an order sheet with his forged signature on.

I sent my Policeman stripper over. “’Ello ‘ello ‘ello. What’s all this then? You realize that dealing toxic waste carries a 15 year prison sentence?” The “Policeman” inspected his signature, read him his rights and handcuffed him to the railing. As my dull colleagues stared on, the Policeman performed a strip tease, gyrating on the prone Managing Director and pulling his trousers down.

At this point a genuine Police car pulled up to see about this commotion. My actors fled. The genuine Policeman approached the MD handcuffed to the railing. “’Ello ‘ello ‘ello, what’s all this then?”

I whispered to the Policeman that the MD was a known sexual deviant and he was promptly arrested.

How to tunnel out of the office you hate

I’ve decided to tunnel out of this office. On my Manager’s lunch break I lift up their “principles of sales” poster and start chiselling away the paint and plaster with my biro.

The scraping sounds are mainly drowned out by the sighs and tutts from the decrepit Customer Service Supervisor. For once I welcome these awful noises. I throw a ruler at her to provoke further noises. She leaves the office to report me to Management. I jab my biro into the wall and scrape out large sections of plaster.

As my Manager returns, I replace the poster and kick the rubble under a colleague’s desk. I sweat from my exertions and tell my Manager I’m feeling faint. As he gets me a glass of water I quickly continue my tunnel. “He’s tunnelling out”, a colleague whispers.

I arrive early the next day, distract nearby builders with an impromptu magic performance and steal their drill and tools. I’m dismayed to see the Customer Service Supervisor is also in early. I throw stationery at her until she leaves. I make a note to email the HR Manager to order me more stationery. Now alone, I rip the poster off and drill a series of holes in the wall. I hammer these with a chisel and cackle as my tunnel out of here begins to form. I fill the filling cabinet with rubble and replace the poster as my Manager enters.

I receive a formal disciplinary for throwing objects. I chuckle and am told it’s not a laughing matter. I remind the HR Manager to order in my stationery urgently. Whilst the Managers are in the meeting discussing me, I return to my tunnel. Now down to the bricks I chisel away at the cement between them. I can feel the bricks loosening.

I must be quick as I could be sacked here. I steal an umbrella and distract the same builders with a song and dance rendition of singing in the rain. Whilst they applaud, I steal their sledge hammer. The Managers are now out and heading upstairs. I smash my Manager’s windscreen, setting off his alarm and drawing them outside… Back inside, I smash through the wall with my sledge hammer.

I thrust myself through the hole and look around in disbelief. My calculations were incorrect and I’ve tunnelled into the Managing Director’s office! I quickly rearrange the entire room, replace the poster and join the gathering around my Managers car.

How to pretend you like your manager

My Manager revealed his car had been stolen. The thought of him waiting in the rain for a bus like the rest of us amused me. My smirk turned into a low chuckle.

My laughter had revealed my true feelings, which I must keep hidden. I blamed my prescription painkillers. He moaned, filling out lengthy insurance documents. Barely managing to hide my smirk, I said, “Some people don’t respect other people’s property”, as I forced my biro through my mouse mat.

I create vague commitments outside of work to avoid my Managers “work drinks”, without revealing my distaste for him. Pottery making classes are my latest creation. I sometimes “feel so bad” about missing these drinks, that I suggest drinks on another night. Always a night I know he'll be busy on. You must feign the impression that you’re a 'company man' and you value your Manager’s company.

Some Managers would rather be respected than liked. Don’t bother pretending to like these jobsworths- they don’t have feelings. Say “I don't like you, but I do respect you.” He’ll like that.

I regularly get my Manager hot drinks, to get out of the office. He doesn’t take sugar, so I pop some in. Salt and vinegar too as he particularly irritated me with a pep talk earlier. I pretended my drink tasted awful too, and spat it all over his insurance documents.

I kept my smirk hidden as I apologised profusely and went to get him another drink. I added Brown Sauce this time.

How to survive a team building day

A Customer Service Supervisor who can’t spell 'customer', a humourless Team Manager, pointless games and dull colleagues. Just some of the things I contend with during team building days.

I antagonize my patronizing Managers who think they can motivate me with role play games, which they describe as "crucial". “Addressing third world poverty is crucial- holding a ball and stating your hobbies is not”, I tell them. I ask whether work-related depression counts as a hobby.

I distract anyone who’s willing to participate with songs, whistles, pokes and expressionist dance. Separate the colleagues with brains and personalities from the jobsworths. Why not start up some abusive chants? When asked to leave, I ask how I can obey the requests of a Customer Service Supervisor who can’t spell the word “customer”. I tell them I’d find their incompetence amusing if I wasn’t so angry.

Whenever they ask questions, I raise my hand slowly. “Yes?” They ask. I stare blankly at them until I've killed their momentum. When they start talking again, I give them a blast from my trumpet. After doing this several times, I ask Management how they justify the poor salaries. They ask me to bring this up in private. I ask how they explain the lack of progression opportunities. They ask me to bring this up in private. I ask if Scotch eggs are actually Scottish. They ask me to leave. I refuse.

I continue in this vein for the rest of the day and at one point fake a heart attack. As a Manager begins CPR I open my eyes and tell him he’s doing it incorrectly…There hasn’t been a team building day since.

How to hand in your notice in the job you hate

Handing in your notice is like breaking up with a girlfriend you hate, but have become strangely reliant on.

How did it come to this? Writing my resignation on a napkin in Starbucks on my lunch break. I eat my homemade sandwiches and glance up to see the over-weight Managing Director sat at the other side of the room. He’s too pre-occupied with his spreadsheet to notice my evil glare. It’s ironic to write your resignation letter looking at the catalyst for it.

The song “You and me forever” bursts out. I smile wryly at how inappropriate this song is in my current predicament. My soon to be estranged boss doesn’t notice the song as he stuffs his fat face with an over-priced muffin from this awful Capitalist chain. I eat my own food here every day and refuse to give them any custom. “When will you start buying sandwiches here?” The Barista asks. “When you start paying corporation tax”.

I wonder whether my MD has received a resignation letter written on a napkin before. This resignation was sparked by the MD’s refusal to give me the pay rise my Managers told him I deserved. I decide whether I’ll even bother working my notice period. I decide to make such a nuisance of myself that they offer to pay me for the month if I leave early.

I gaze at this awful walrus of a man, his huge jowls growing with each of his heavy breaths. In my letter I question the wisdom of forcing his most profitable salesman to leave. I end with a succession of sarcastic digs and unflattering pictures of him before scrawling “P.S I will be hounding you 9 hours a day over the next month”.

I walk past the MD’s table and deliberately knock into it to spill his coffee over his paperwork. “Want a napkin to wipe that up?” I pass him my resignation napkin with a sadistic grin.

How to survive a pep talk from the Manager you hate

I had a pep talk from my Manager on Thursday. I called in sick on Friday and resigned on Monday. I don’t like pep talks.

Apparently my resignation napkin was invalid. So I demanded an urgent meeting with two senior Managers to tell them that my £360 pay rise was an insult. I questioned why it’d taken nearly four months to make this decision. I asked whether it was a wise decision to lose their most profitable employee. I mentioned that my wage equated to just £50 more a week than the dole. I asked why they thought over 25% of the company’s staff had left in the last year.

I was told to knuckle down and work even harder this year. They said my targets were very achievable and I should make £10,000 commission this year. I resisted the urge to laugh and simply made a “hmmmmmm” noise. I silently walked out of the room and couldn’t help but turn the lights off as I left.

If you're about to be sacked you must hand in your resignation first. Have your resignation letter written out and always in your pocket. That way you can quickly resign if you're called into a dismissal hearing. I didn’t manage this in my previous job.

If they’re about to dismiss you, a HR Manager will be present. They’ll start by saying “We’ve taken the decision to…” Don't let them finish this sentence. A foghorn noise will stop them dead. Hand over your resignation letter and run out of the room before they can dismiss you.

The aim is now to get put on fully paid “gardening leave” so you don't have to work your notice period.

How to get put on gardening leave

Having resigned I decided I didn’t want to work my notice month. I sat with my arms crossed for the entire afternoon to give them an idea of my work ethic for the upcoming month.

“Imagine if an employee were to steal our customer’s data”, I said to my Manager. I treated myself to an extra-long toilet break to let this fester on him. I returned and said “One could merely print screen our database and email it to a rival company for a small fee…” I roamed the building in search of stimulating conversation.

Finding none I returned to my desk. I peeled off the bell that I’d taped to the Customer Service Supervisor and attached this to the Managing Director. I then followed him closely around the building, blowing on the back of his neck. I told a client he’d threatened to sack me if I didn’t cool his neck down. Whilst he denied this, I snuck into his office, stole his pot plants and filled his cup with cement.

“Have you cemented my cup again?” I didn’t answer and started blowing his neck once more. “A month’s a long time isn’t it?” He grabbed his pot plants from my desk and stormed back into his office. On his lunch break I cemented over his keyboard and wrote on the wet cement “gardening leave?”              

I called in a landscape gardener and had his office floor turfed. On his return from lunch he found me mowing the lawn, laughing manically. He finally offered me “gardening leave”, but I refused it as I was having so much fun.

I was enjoying myself so much, that I also retracted my resignation.

How to maintain sanity in the job you hate

Already regretting retracting my resignation, I now hide in the toilet and shout into the sink for no particular reason.

I leave the toilet to find the Manager outside staring at me. I consider telling him that the stifling silence in my office means I have to escape and occasionally scream into the sink. I just grin at him smugly instead... I chuckle, remembering that I’d also filled the sink to the brink with water- a new habit I’ve developed.

Back at my desk, I decide to convince my Manager I’ve developed a facial tick. I swivel in my chair, spasm and bite the air in a single, seemingly involuntary movement... Sometimes I add a shriek.

The irony of maintaining sanity by faking madness is not lost on me. I start blurting out dictators, as though involuntary. “Mugabe, Hussein, Pinochet!” I scream, with a twitch and shriek to boot. He starts to give me a wide birth. I feel they’re reluctant to sack a worker who’s lost his mind as a result of the job. A law-suit waiting to happen.

I start tapping my Manager on his head whenever I pass him. When he asks for an explanation I merely shriek. He stops asking for explanations but does ask me to improve my productivity. I now sprint everywhere instead of walking. “Out of my way!” I scream, as I hurtle through the corridors. A female colleague doesn't heed this advice and gets knocked to the floor.

Later at a family meal, genuinely involuntarily, I shriek and bite the air. I realise these ticks are no longer under my control. I sprint to the toilets, fill the sink with water, and realise that I am now genuinely insane.

How to avoid murdering your Manager

I stare at my greedy, walrus of a Manager and wonder whether today will be the day where I snap. I’ve worked through several stress balls, regularly take prescription painkillers and shout into the sink. These no longer stifle my rage.

He stands behind me, looking at my screen and leaning on my chair. I swivel quickly to send him to the floor. This gives me a fleeting pleasure but my anger soon returns. I think of his greed to deny me the pay rise I was promised and instead offer me a £360 pay rise.

I walk the corridors, kicking the walls and pass my Manager, who asks if I’ll hit target this quarter. I ask if he’ll give me a proper pay rise this quarter. I imagine how I’d dispose of such an obese body. I'd definitely need a trolley to move it. I plan the logistics of his murder with an attention to detail that was flagged as sorely lacking in my recent appraisal.

I put my murderous plans on ice and have one more attempt at working hard. Sadly this only lasts one phone call where I become verbally abusive to a customer and tell him never to call again. I sign off with a colleague’s name and break my receiver slamming it down. My Manager times his passive aggressive banter poorly. “Uh Uh, start selling,” the obese moron states. I stare at him with growing insanity and growl.

The Customer Service Supervisor starts her awful tutting and I decide that I must dispose of them both.

How to get away with murder

I decided to murder the Managing Director and frame the Customer Service Supervisor for it. She constantly complains anyway so why not let her see out her final years in a cell?

I spread word she’d been trying to seduce the MD, to establish her motive for his murder. A friendly IT guy helped me access her emails and I sent a string of messages professing her love for him. I had these emails deleted, secure in the knowledge that the Police investigation would uncover them.

Whenever the MD was on annual leave I would prevent her from attending work. I had her house flooded, burgled and infested with locusts. I suggested it was strange that she didn't come in on the days the MD had booked off. A whispering campaign began.

I paid a thief to steal her car every night and an actress who resembled her to drive to the MD’s house and stare at his window. CCTV cameras provided footage that the prosecution called “damning”.

I seduced the nurse who was carrying out employee health checks and stole the MD’s blood sample when she was distracted. I took several items of the Customer Service Supervisor’s clothing, covered these with his blood, and tipped off the Police “anonymously” about this evidence.

The press, who initially described the MD’s death as a “mugging gone wrong”, delighted in the spurned lover angle as the “indisputable” evidence against her emerged. “I’ve been framed!” She screamed as she was led away to start her sentence. “Murderer!” I cried from the gallows.

I started to get pangs of guilt about this murder… I then realized that this was just indigestion as I’d wolfed down several scotch eggs. With a lack of conscience like this I knew I was now ready to become a Manager. I applied for the two vacant Managerial roles now available.

THE END